‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was fuming:
“There’s so much to do, and the Big Day is looming!
Researchers want toys for their bio-laboratories,
To help them with all of their egghead exploratories.
There are students and profs and aspiring algologists,
And even a molecular plant physiologist!”
“What nonsense is this – Automatic ELISA?
Will using it make anybody the wiser?
And this, from a person who studies amphibia,
As models for Measles, COVID and Chlamydia.
She says that she needs a dual-channel oximeter
To add to the toys that somehow now limit her.
She asks for an infra-red gas analyzer.
Why not give her a gift that that will better surprise her?
Whisky or candy – a HUGE TV monitor!
They’re surely more fun than a spectrophotometer?”
“Whatever that is – all this lingo’s confusing.
And where can I find this weird stuff that they’re using?
These fish respirometers and bioreactors,
Fluorescence detectors and X-Ray Diffractors?”
“And how can I help if they’ve made bad decisions?
If papers they’ve published are met with derision.”
“A boffin complains that his data’s unstable,
Since purchasing gear he was told would enable
Advances in science – an auspicious career!
All twaddle! And now he is living in fear
That papers he thought would inform and inspire
Are now only fit to be thrown on the fire.
He won’t rise a Titan when using such schlock,
He’s earthbound, dejected… tied to a rock!”
Poor Santa gazed glum at his wife in despair.
“I don’t have the time to fly here and there.
I need a solution without global hopping
One place I can go to do all of my shopping.”
His wife, Mrs. Claus, did a quick search on Google
While Santa sat scratching his snowy-haired noodle.
“I’ve got!” she said, “And right here in Ontario!
I cannot imagine a better scenario.
They’ve IRGAs and sensors for all types of gases
And teaching equipment for labs and field classes.
There’s even a CISME for studying coral.
(A rather odd name that sounds almost immoral).
And energy used while you partake in sex
You can measure while wearing their new CPX.
They’ve got gear for the study of soil, bugs and fishes.
With prices so good they are almost suspicious.”
“And look! All is built by a smart team of elves
Whose credits show clearly, they’re eggheads themselves!
They’ve published in many a prestigious journal,
So, if you’re concerned surely this is the kernel
Of truth and integrity – Allay your fears!
Qubit has prospered for dozens of years.”
“You’re right,” said Old Santa, all jolly again.
“I’ll fly down to Qubit with Rudolph and then
With such fine equipment I’ll load up my sled
And on Christmas Day when they get out of bed
Researchers all over will cry with delight
“It’s Qubit, at last – we will now get it right!”
And assaying forth they will head for the lab,
To play and discover, confer and conflab,
And finishing late they’ll exclaim, voices bright
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!”
