‘Twas the Night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and at the North Pole

Poor Santa was crying “I’m stuck in a hole!

Researchers want toys for their bio-laboratories,

To help them make sense of their egghead exploratories.

There’s students and profs and aspiring algologists,

And even a molecular plant physiologist!”

What nonsense is this – Automatic ELISA?

Will using it make anybody the wiser?

And this, from a person who studies amphibia,

As models for Measles, COVID and Chlamydia.

She says that she needs a dual-channel oximeter

To add to the toys that somehow now limit her.

And what is an infra-red gas analyzer?

Why not give her something to better surprise her?

Whisky or candy – a HUGE TV monitor!

That’s surely more fun than a spectrophotometer?

Whatever that is – all this lingo’s confusing.

And where can I find this weird stuff that they’re using?

These fish respirometers and bioreactors,

Fluorescence detectors and X-Ray Diffractors?”

Poor Santa gazed glum at his wife in despair.

“I don’t have the time to fly here and there.

I need a solution without global-hopping

One place I can go to do all of my shopping.”

His wife, Mrs. Claus, did a quick search on Google

While Santa sat scratching his snowy-haired noodle.

“I’ve got!” she said, “And it’s here in Ontario.

I cannot imagine a better scenario.

They’ve IRGAs and sensors for all types of gases

And teaching equipment for labs and field classes.

There’s even a CISME for studying coral.

(A rather odd name that is almost immoral).

Though energy used while you partake in sex

You can measure while wearing their new CPX.

They’ve gear for the study of soil, bugs and fishes.

With prices so good they are almost suspicious.

But look! All is built by a smart team of elves

Whose credits show clearly they’re eggheads themselves!

They’ve published in many a prestigious journal

So, if you’re concerned this is surely the kernel

Of truth and integrity – Allay your fears!

Qubit has prospered for twenty-five years.”

“You’re right,” said Old Santa, all jolly again.

“I’ll fly down to Qubit with Rudolph and then

With such fine equipment, I’ll load up my sled

And on Christmas Day when they get out of bed

Researchers all over will cry with delight

“It’s Qubit, at last – we will now get it right!”

And assaying forth they will head for the lab,

To play and discover, confer and conflab,

And finishing late they’ll exclaim, voices bright

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!”

The above is a redacted version of an original that poked gentle seasonal fun at our competitors. To read the Director’s Cut please apply to Santa.

As the ingenious Dr. Frappel points out in this ground-breaking publication, bottled beer may be used to calibrate a CO2 analyser in the absence of a calibration gas standard.  This is achieved by measuring the dilution of O2 when gas collected in the headspace of the bottle is diluted with atmospheric air. The method is simple and means that you no longer need to carry a calibration tank into the field, but can schlep a Two-Four of your favourite brew instead.  Brilliant!

We thank Dr. Berry Pinshow, Professor Emeritus of the Mitrani Department of Desert Ecology, Ben-Gurion University of the Negev, and long-time Qubit user, for alerting us to this essential reading for all Respirometrists and Photosynthesists.  Cheers Berry!